Rough Draft

And will you tell all your friends,
You've got your gun to my head.
This all was only wishful thinking,
This all was only wishing thinking.

This whole week was really one of the worst periods in life that I had to go through. The disappointment of exams that followed after hard work was hard to swallow. Fatigue burns through the night, waves of hot and cold swirl unseen throughout my body, threatening to wreck havoc. I pull through, alive, but the wounds are deep, scars are inevitable.

What could have been worse?

I lost my wallet today. I had woken up late, and had flew through the streets to the MRT, in relief that I would be late, but not too late. But it hit me when I realise my wallet wasn't with me at Expo. It was then voices of despair spoke, as if to ask whether this was worth it for church. For one Sunday service, I had rushed like there was no tomorrow, all the way down only to find my wallet missing. Those voices, they rang clear in my mind as I walked the lonely road down to Expo Hall 8, and my steps echoed my thoughts.

I found my wallet in the end. It was found in Redhill station, some kind soul returned it to the counter. Before I found it, I was praying hard throughout service, that I would be able to find it today, that my phone would ring and a voice would announce that m wallet had been found. But disappointment lasted the whole service. So I took the train home, my mood was so low I was in the pits.

From the entire service right to the end of the train ride, there was a battle raging throughout my head. That of the devil's, growling and grunting how much church had cost me, how dumb I was, and whether everything was worth what it was now. The second was my voice, torn between whether to give in to the fact that my wallet was gone, or to trust in the Lord. And through the train ride home, I was so pissed at the voice of the devil that I cursed under my breath, and that if this was a game, I'd play through to the end. If my life was to be so miserable now, so be it.

And the third? It was a whisper; a hush, silent whisper, like a faint, gentle howling of the wind through the forest in my ears. "Everything is gonna be alright. Trust me."

Amidst the frustrations, the whisper's was the most silent of the three sides in the battle of the mind. Yet the strength of gentleness swept away brute force of toughness. I got my wallet back in the end, and I had promised before that that if it was found, every single cent is going to offerings next week.

I was so relieved, glad, overjoyed, you name it. My wallet had my IC, and my Ez-link, and my plans of getting a little something for myself would be ruined if I had to have them replaced. What's worse was that if Mum found out, I'd be dead meat, shred and fed to the dogs. I hadn't got permission to leave the house and if this was to happen, that would be the end of me. And most importantly, some of the things in my wallet can never be replaced. A card I received from a special someone on my 12th birthday, my old, yellow and tattered identifiation card of my childhood days, movie ticket of one of the most touching shows I've watched- Click, as well as a receipt from Gelare that contain deep memories of what was before. Such things can never be replaced, they'll be kept close in my heart for ever and ever, and I'm thankful beyond words that my wallet is safely in my hands again.

I shall give all the glory to my God. (:

PS: To some of the people who were unlucky enough to experience a moody me, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. People like Jeffrey and Junle, the latter having to endure some harsh words while on the train back home, Anna who gave me chocolates for encouragement- Thank YOU! (: I love it and I love you as my cell group leader!, Nicolette Ng for a sweet birthday note- Thank you so much, I know my smile wasn't wide enough just now. I promise I'll smile widely at you next time!, Tingzhi, whom I met on the way out of church- I'm sorry I couldn't muster a smile since I was dow in the dumps then, Partner whom I met on the way back- I was listening to you conversing and haha, you made me smile a little from of the way you talk. Thank you! (: , and of course, my dear 'ol N293/N330.

I'll blog again really, really soon. :D

posted by cigarettelove @ 4:25 AM